Trying to be poetic through a prose

The thing is, well, the thing, rather a thing is, scientifically, but I’m not going with “has volume, has mass”, only with “occupies space”, so much space that you forget, actually you never thought of it so there’s nothing to forget but I don’t know where I’m going with this or if I can actually go somewhere or I have somewhere to go to begin with but the space is now yours, the space I respectfully belong to, I-I now belong to you-r space.

But it seemed to me, that I was sent high above the sky, close to space, only to look back and see how tiny we people are, how small you are, how minute we both are, but it only took a second for you to capture my whole world, or might only have taken less. Forget the space, forget the lecture on matter, forget the fantasy about me being sent up high, but disregard not what I’ve been really trying to tell you, trying to let you visualize, conceptualize, no, not conceptualize, but realize, until you finally understand that despite all this gibberish, the thing is…       

Tug-Tu-Tak-Tug-Tug-Tak-Tsh-Shuk

drums

 

I would always choose drums.

We weren’t financially capable. But still I asked,

“Mom, when would I own a drum set?”

“Soon, son, soon. Just pray for it.”

That wasn’t the exact conversation I had with mom in my younger years, but it sure does sound like it.

I learned to play drums at the age of 9 or 10. Our pastor taught me to play on a chair. Its top rail as the hi-hat, seat for the snare and floor for the kick or bass drum. On my first lesson, I was so excited and nervous. I thought ‘is this gonna work?’

And it sure did! My first ‘tug-tak-tug-tug-tak’ made feel like I could do anything.

But then, I got tired of playing on a chair, hitting our plates with spoon and fork (and oh! the joy of having chopsticks as drumsticks).

So I told myself every time I feel sorry for not having one (drum set), “Someday, when the time’s right, you’ll have one.”

Though I did not know what the ‘time’s right’ meant, it was the thought that kept me believing for almost 9 years that ‘I’m gonna have one’.

And I sure did, on March 13 of 2013.

We agreed on buying a second-hand. But this was the first agreement that my Dad did not comply to, in a very, very good way. In the early morning of March 13, 2013, it wasn’t a second-hand. I opened the van’s hood. “Hello, Pearl.”

My heart just kept on beating and beating.

“Is this for real?”

I almost cried. I thanked God and still very grateful today. It was more than having a drum set of your own. It was the value of waiting and praying until it becomes realized. God did choose a very special time.

We assembled it and I tried playing. Days after, still playing. Every hit I make, it makes a sound, of course. But to me, they’re music even without melody or lyrics. When I play, I transport to a timeline of my first ‘tug-tak-tug-tug-tak’ days. When I stop playing to rest, I still ask myself, “Is this for real?”

It would have been a different story if my mom told me “We don’t have the money son.”

I like this turn of events better.

 

 

Sun

I have not a picture of you
But I see your image everyday
Hoping that for every sundown
draws closer to a sunrise

revealing not an image
but a definite being of you

And when that date comes
I’ll make my eyes wide open
Trying to record all of it
And when the unfortunate sundown occurs

I’ll slowly close my eyes
and wait for another sunrise

There was no promise made
Though your eyes spoke to me
I was given a feel of a return
It’s pretentious, but I will wait

No matter how long it takes
I will take it anyway

For when that day comes
I’d no longer open wide my eyes
Nor try to record everything
For even when the unfortunate sundown occurs

I’d gladly close my eyes
Knowing that when I open it
We’ll both witness the sunrise
I was telling you about

I came. I saw. I failed. I will conquer.

I asked God, “Lord, give me one more chance. I know You can move mountains.”

But, I didn’t make it. I was a step short, and 2 steps short for the other.

I’m talking about grades here. I’m in my second year in BS Accountancy. Actually, I was. You know, Accountancy programs usually have rigid retention programs. And I didn’t make it.

When I created this blog, I was hopeful I could share a victorious and an unbelievable anecdote. But the anecdote I was expecting turned out to be a semi-tragic moment of my bumpy ride of life.

I did not give up. I didn’t give in.

But I had to accept that in life, you win some, you lose some. I’m no Einstein. But I know I’m more than a failure. Heck, I never accepted that I was a failure.

The first two years were a challenge of the mind and heart. All along, I had this feeling of uncertainty of the path I took. But I kept pushing harder, sayang naman ehThe first screening, I almost didn’t get through. The second was a miracle. And then this was the third one.

When it happened, it slowly sank into me. It was like one of those scenes in movies that someone talks to you but your mind is elsewhere–some place where you are reminded of your past mistakes, especially the ones you almost won but came up short.

Man, my ego got shaken.

I was almost Valedictorian in grade school, 5th in HS, won several contests for the org and college recently, but it felt like all of it was for nothing (except for the cash incentives). I was ashamed of myself. I didn’t even want to check my Facebook status.

After a lot of thinking, about 2 minutes, I immediately decided, along with unfortunate friends, to transfer to Divine Word College to continue the path of CPA.

I reaffirmed my goals. “Is it really what I want?” I always wanted to be a lawyer. CPA Lawyer sounded so good so I took Accountancy. Hold on, I can still be a lawyer less CPA. Pero sayang naman eh.

So…

My parents were with me. Divine was a go. But the feeling of uncertainty still lingered. Did you ever have moments in your life where everything looked settled and ready to go, but you’d still feel uncomfortable? I get that a lot after locking my room. But this was more than turning the door knob.

After talking to people of maturity, experience and good scent, I prayed again.

“Lord, give me a sign to continue the path of CPA or not. Give me something.”

This time, it was clear. Divine was a no-go. I said to myself “I have a different Divine Destiny. And I know where it is.”

Of course I had no reply for myself.

So now, I remained in the proud green and gold of Ilocos Norte.

God has not granted that request of mine. But it has enabled my eyes to see more clearly, my ears to hear more audibly and my lips to speak more thankfully. For despite what happened, I’m more interested in what’s going to happen.

I will conquer.

hELp